|| marriage ||
I’m super guilty of the, “If
I could just ____, then I’d be happy” mindset. I hate that I do this, but I do.
If I could just graduate
high school and move away, then I’ll be happy.
If I could just finish
college and work, then I’ll be happy.
If I could just get more
hours at this job so I can have more money, then I’ll be happy.
If I could just find a
man, then I’ll be happy.
If I could just be
engaged, then I’ll be happy.
If I could just get
married, then I’ll be happy.
If I could just be a mom,
then I’ll be happy.
The problem is, that’s
not happiness, and that is not a way to spend your life. But I’m guilty of
this, so, so, so guilty of this. But what happens when you check each of those
things off? Then you’ll be happy? No, because the problem is that there’s
always more to add. Always. Because if you are not content and joyful and happy
where you are with what you have RIGHT NOW, you will never be. And it’s scary,
to be in this mindset and knowing that you are setting yourself up to be
disappointed and miserable for all of your life if you don’t snap out of it.
And trust me, I’m preaching to myself more than anything.
The first 3 months of
marriage were so easy, it’s funny. I remember hitting that 3 month mark and
suddenly I realized that sometimes, just sometimes, my husband kinda bugged me.
A lot. And things that he did bugged me. And things that he said hurt my
feelings. Before marriage, I would not have called myself a sensitive person.
But just like marriage does, it teaches you things about yourself that you wish
weren’t true. I wish I wasn’t moody or irritable. I wish I didn’t care that I
had to do the dishes for the millionth time. I wish I could communicate my
feelings and thoughts better. I wish I was this, I wish I didn’t do that. It
opens your eyes to everything you suck at, and I don’t like to suck at things.
I don’t like to be in the wrong, or have to apologize. Am in the only one? No?
Okay, good.
When you’re married, you
have to apologize. You have to say that you were wrong sometimes. And honestly,
for me and my marriage, my husband is probably right more than I am (don’t tell
him that). Now, there are loads of times where he is in the wrong, but since I
am super humble and the best wife ever, I let it slide. (Hint: sarcasm.)
Marriage got hard. It got
scary. I realized things about myself that I didn’t like. I realized things
about him that I didn’t like. But there we were, married for life. Some days
were easy and blissful and just plain great. Other days, we were so irritated
with each other that we would barely talk.
And I felt like there was something
wrong with us. Because I used to look at people’s picture perfect social media
marriages and get mad. I’d get mad because I didn’t think it was fair. I didn’t
think it was fair because I thought, “How come their marriage is great and
their husband is nice to them and mine sucks and I’m giving my husband the
silent treatment because he hurt my feelings for the thousandth time?!? Why!?”
(Because obviously, I was a child.)
I figured we had been
through so much already that once we got to marriage, we would finally be okay.
But really, we just brought all of that baggage and hurt and miscommunication
into marriage with us. So what do you get when you have two broken, stubborn,
prideful human beings and you add in trust issues, communication issues, job
stress, school stress and life?
Well, I’ll tell you.
You get a mess.
You get a bunch of tearful nights
and conversations and arguments and hurt. But you also get growth and maturity
and a team. But I am telling you right now, still barely reaching the top of
the pit, there cannot be growth unless you are at the bottom. Broken.
Surrendered. And honestly, that is a very hard, humbling place to be.
Now, I know that sounds
like a miserable mess. And it was, sometimes. But we were doing our best to
love each other the best way we knew how. We learned from each other and we did
grow together. We were (are) just a couple of kids. We were raised differently,
had different viewpoints and thoughts and opinions. And we didn’t know how to
do a lot of things very well, we both messed up a lot.
But there is forgiveness.
And the ability to laugh things off. Sometimes, he frustrates me so much that I
can’t stop laughing because of how annoyed I am and he thinks he’s being funny.
And sometimes I am such a huge diva and a brat that I drive him absolutely
insane. And that’s how you learn. No amount of marriage advice or “marriage is
hard work” speeches can replace the real life moments of learning and figuring
this whole thing out. He knows me better than anyone else and I know him better
than anyone else ever could.
Honestly, there’s a naivety that comes
with getting married young, and I understand why older, wiser people tell you that
you should wait a little bit. Because, like everyone says, it is hard. It’s
hard to love each other like Jesus loves. Actually it feels downright impossible
most days. But there is also a beautiful grace about marriage and young love
that is unexplainable. You learn together, grow together, fight together, lean
on each other and on Jesus, together.
When you’re married, you’re a team. Even on the days you don’t want to be a
team or you feel like neither one of you is being a team player. There’s a love
that is there that is safe, because you both know that no matter how crappy
things get, you are going to go through it together.
I have cried more tears
in my 2 years of married life than I had ever cried in the 20 years of single
life. Some of those have been happy tears, but most of those have been
extremely upset and painful tears. But I know that every day that I wake up, I
get to love and serve this man that God has given me. And if I lose sight of
that, that’s when things get hard and messy. I am married to a son of God, who
has feelings and thoughts and deserves to be treated and loved well. That is a
huge responsibility to have, but I’ve been entrusted with his heart, and if I
get too carried away with the dishes and the laundry and the hurt feelings and
the irritations of the day, I’m not doing what God would have me do. And I don’t
know about you, but if the Creator of the Universe entrusted me with something,
I better do it – and do it to the best of my abilities.
To summarize: marriage is
hard.
Marriage is about serving and
showing the love of Jesus to your spouse. Unconditionally. Every day. And then
when you fail at that – because we are not Jesus and we will fail – there is
forgiveness and love and a new day tomorrow.
I want my husband to be
able to look at me and say, “I see the love of Jesus pouring out of you in
everything you do.” And I want God go be able to say, “Well done, my good and
faithful servant. I trusted you to nurture and care for him and his heart, and
you have, and I am proud of you.”
How different we would live and act
and treat one another if our goal was to hear those words, right? If our goal
was really to be Jesus’ hands and feet in the world, starting with our husband
and family?
