Friday, September 6, 2013

Where my courage ends, let my heart find strength in your presence

I don’t really know what to say. And my finger stings; I was playing with one of my cats earlier, and, well, she’s fast and has sharp claws. Anyway.

A year ago today, my husband’s mom passed away.
His dad died many years ago.
There is no real closure, but I don’t really want closure for him.

I want healing. I want redemption. I want freedom. I want peace. I want hope.

Not just for him. But for me, for us – in our marriage, in our relationship. There are so many things in both of us that are so broken, and it breaks my heart. And it discourages me to the point of near-apathy. I haven’t really prayed in a couple of days. I don’t know why. I just don’t feel very hopeful lately.

I took a walk this morning and listened to music on my phone. I always have it on shuffle, and I often ask God to have it play the song I need to hear. As that passed through my mind, a song started. I recently added some new songs, and I don’t know all of them very well yet. This was a new one. So it took me a moment to figure out which one it was. When I did, tears sprang to my eyes, and I think some part of my heart whispered, “Really?”

The song was “Glorious Ruins,” by Hillsong.

Here are the lyrics:

When the mountains fall
And the tempest roars, You are with me
When creation folds
Still my soul will soar on Your mercy

I’ll walk through the fire
With my head lifted high
And my spirit revived in Your story
And I’ll look to the cross
As my failure is lost
In the light of Your glorious grace

Let the ruins come to life
In the beauty of Your Name
Rising up from the ashes
God forever You reign
And my soul will find refuge
In the shadow of Your wings
I will love You forever
And forever I’ll sing

When the world caves in
Still my hope will cling to Your promise
Where my courage ends
Let my heart find strength in Your presence

I’m not there. Not even close. I don’t really feel any more hopeful than I did this morning.

But, even so, that is my prayer.

That I will be able to walk through the fire, with my head lifted high.
That we will rise from the ashes.
That these ruins will come to life.


  1. Angie,
    You're not alone ~ I'm walking in the ruins with you. And I know what you're going through. I wish I could offer words of comfort, but I lost sight of hope a long time ago as well. As my therapist said, take one day at a time, get lots of rest, and if all you can say is His name, that is prayer enough for now.

    Hope writing it out helps some. <3

  2. Thank you. =) Please know you are not alone either! =)