I
really don’t even know what to say.
My
heart is heavy. My mind is filled with all kinds of stuff. My stomach churns
and won’t stop. I keep vacillating between the godly response, and the way my
natural self wants to respond. I want to stand up for myself; I want to give
ultimatums; I want to do something
that will change something. I want to
be the reason that things change.
And,
out of fear of being that demanding, controlling woman, I go the opposite way –
and become the needy one, the clingy one, the manipulative one.
UGH.
I
am frustrated, hurt, discouraged, and weary. I am so, so weary. I don’t know how
to fix the things I am dealing with. And I know I can’t fix it – which makes it
harder to deal with, because I want to fix it.
And
I know – I KNOW – I have to surrender to God. When I start feeling this way,
getting bogged down by all of this crap, by lies and fear and frustration and
doubt, the only “cure” is surrender.
I
just get tired of surrendering. You know?
I
am tired of having to be the one to make the first move.
I
am tired of feeling like everything hinges on me.
I
am justtired. I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m broken.
I
want to be rescued. I justwant to be rescued. Without me having to – in my mind
– manipulate that rescue.
I
just want God to come and save me. And fix this.
I
ache.
I
ache for redemption, for fulfilled promises, for beauty. For life. For morning
to shatter the darkness. For flowers to burst forth through the ruins. To see
things made new.
And
I wait.
And
I wait.
And
I wait.
And
I wait.
And
little things keep pricking holes in my hope, keep whispering, “Are you really
sureare you sure that’s what God said?”
So
it’s that age-old thing – “Did God really say?”
And
I don’t know how to answer.
Because
I, as sure as I want to be, I am so afraid of myself.
Maybe
I give myself more credit than I should.
But
I know my tendencies. I know how I manipulate things. I know how good I am at
seeing what I want to see.
And
with this, I don’t want to do that. I want to see what God is actually showing
me. Nothing else.
I
just don’t know how to let go of the past.
Several
years ago, God gave me some promises. And I took them and applied them to my
very limited view of the situation. And I was POSITIVE that God was going to
come through as I imagined because I was POSITIVE that HE had given me those
ideas. That he had shown me what he was going to do. So I trusted, because I
believed.
And
then, what I thought would happen – what I thought GOD had told me would happen
– didn’t happen.
And
I rolled with it, I did. I stumbled a little at first, but I kept seeking God. I
forced myself to believe that he had something else in mind. But I still
trusted him, still believed that he would come through right away. And, as far
as I could tell, he didn’t. He (seemingly) did the very thing I said he
wouldn’t do – let us drop.
And
I fell. I fell hard.
Looking
back, I can see that it was not because he lied, but because I saw what I
wanted to see and assumed it was from him, since I saw it. I took my eyes from
him, and placed them on my own ideas, my own manufactured plans. And my plans –
NOT his – fell apart.
Yet,
it FELT like he promised me something, then changed his mind at the last second
without telling me. And watched, vindictively, while I lost my footing. And
shook his head at my stupidity.
I
truly, truly felt like he had betrayed me. Like he had lied to me. Like he had purposefully
deceived me. And while I know that that is not true, those feelings, to a
point, still linger. I can tell myself truth, but the truth is, I still believe
some of the lies.
I
am still hurt. It still brings tears to my eyes. I am still afraid. I am shyer
now, hesitant to step out like I did then. I feel like I got burned, and I’m
not as willing to reach into the fire again.
I
have come through it a lot.
But
I have not fully recovered.
It
still haunts me.
Haunts
me every time I think about reading the Bible.
Haunts
me every time I hear or see or read something that seems to confirm what God
seems to have said.
Haunts
me and makes me question what I’ve heard, question what I, in my heart, believe
to be true.
And
I don’t know how to stop listening to it. To stop being haunted. To stop clinging
to the past. I don’t know how to let go. I am not trying to hold on; it’s like
it is holding me, inside of me, and I can’t access it. I can’t rid myself of
it. And I am so afraid of doing that again, of feeling those things again, of
going through that struggle again. I don’t feel like I would be any better at
it this time. I don’t feel like I would respond differently. I don’t feel like
I’ve learned anything. I am terrified, traumatized, paralyzed.
And
I can say that I’m not. I can say all the right things. I know all the right
answers. I know the Bible, and where to find the things I want to read to
encourage me in my possible self-delusion. I know how to see only what I want
to see. I know how to manipulate things to fit into the plan I have authored.
But
I don’t want to manipulate. I wish I didn’t even have that tendency. I so wish
that was not part of me. It is disgusting, and it is destructive.
All
I want – in my life, my marriage, in everything – is to do what God wants, to
be who he wants, to fulfill the purpose for which he created me.
And
I am so afraid of missing it. I am so afraid. I’m so afraid.
God,
help me.
Wow, I felt like I was reading a page out of my diary! My dearest soul-sister, I have no words of comfort, just sending you big hugs and offering my own broken prayers.
ReplyDeleteI'd love to actually send you a snail-mail card ~ could you email your address to mdeigh (at) gmail (dot) com?
Hoping that your weekend is one of peace and rest.
Sorry I have taken so long to reply to this --- I was in Texas when I saw it and on my phone. Thank you for your comments; you are always so kind. =)
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