I really don’t even know what to say.
My heart is heavy. My mind is filled with all kinds of stuff. My stomach churns and won’t stop. I keep vacillating between the godly response, and the way my natural self wants to respond. I want to stand up for myself; I want to give ultimatums; I want to do something that will change something. I want to be the reason that things change.
And, out of fear of being that demanding, controlling woman, I go the opposite way – and become the needy one, the clingy one, the manipulative one.
I am frustrated, hurt, discouraged, and weary. I am so, so weary. I don’t know how to fix the things I am dealing with. And I know I can’t fix it – which makes it harder to deal with, because I want to fix it.
And I know – I KNOW – I have to surrender to God. When I start feeling this way, getting bogged down by all of this crap, by lies and fear and frustration and doubt, the only “cure” is surrender.
I just get tired of surrendering. You know?
I am tired of having to be the one to make the first move.
I am tired of feeling like everything hinges on me.
I am justtired. I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m broken.
I want to be rescued. I justwant to be rescued. Without me having to – in my mind – manipulate that rescue.
I just want God to come and save me. And fix this.
I ache for redemption, for fulfilled promises, for beauty. For life. For morning to shatter the darkness. For flowers to burst forth through the ruins. To see things made new.
And I wait.
And I wait.
And I wait.
And I wait.
And little things keep pricking holes in my hope, keep whispering, “Are you really sureare you sure that’s what God said?”
So it’s that age-old thing – “Did God really say?”
And I don’t know how to answer.
Because I, as sure as I want to be, I am so afraid of myself.
Maybe I give myself more credit than I should.
But I know my tendencies. I know how I manipulate things. I know how good I am at seeing what I want to see.
And with this, I don’t want to do that. I want to see what God is actually showing me. Nothing else.
I just don’t know how to let go of the past.
Several years ago, God gave me some promises. And I took them and applied them to my very limited view of the situation. And I was POSITIVE that God was going to come through as I imagined because I was POSITIVE that HE had given me those ideas. That he had shown me what he was going to do. So I trusted, because I believed.
And then, what I thought would happen – what I thought GOD had told me would happen – didn’t happen.
And I rolled with it, I did. I stumbled a little at first, but I kept seeking God. I forced myself to believe that he had something else in mind. But I still trusted him, still believed that he would come through right away. And, as far as I could tell, he didn’t. He (seemingly) did the very thing I said he wouldn’t do – let us drop.
And I fell. I fell hard.
Looking back, I can see that it was not because he lied, but because I saw what I wanted to see and assumed it was from him, since I saw it. I took my eyes from him, and placed them on my own ideas, my own manufactured plans. And my plans – NOT his – fell apart.
Yet, it FELT like he promised me something, then changed his mind at the last second without telling me. And watched, vindictively, while I lost my footing. And shook his head at my stupidity.
I truly, truly felt like he had betrayed me. Like he had lied to me. Like he had purposefully deceived me. And while I know that that is not true, those feelings, to a point, still linger. I can tell myself truth, but the truth is, I still believe some of the lies.
I am still hurt. It still brings tears to my eyes. I am still afraid. I am shyer now, hesitant to step out like I did then. I feel like I got burned, and I’m not as willing to reach into the fire again.
I have come through it a lot.
But I have not fully recovered.
It still haunts me.
Haunts me every time I think about reading the Bible.
Haunts me every time I hear or see or read something that seems to confirm what God seems to have said.
Haunts me and makes me question what I’ve heard, question what I, in my heart, believe to be true.
And I don’t know how to stop listening to it. To stop being haunted. To stop clinging to the past. I don’t know how to let go. I am not trying to hold on; it’s like it is holding me, inside of me, and I can’t access it. I can’t rid myself of it. And I am so afraid of doing that again, of feeling those things again, of going through that struggle again. I don’t feel like I would be any better at it this time. I don’t feel like I would respond differently. I don’t feel like I’ve learned anything. I am terrified, traumatized, paralyzed.
And I can say that I’m not. I can say all the right things. I know all the right answers. I know the Bible, and where to find the things I want to read to encourage me in my possible self-delusion. I know how to see only what I want to see. I know how to manipulate things to fit into the plan I have authored.
But I don’t want to manipulate. I wish I didn’t even have that tendency. I so wish that was not part of me. It is disgusting, and it is destructive.
All I want – in my life, my marriage, in everything – is to do what God wants, to be who he wants, to fulfill the purpose for which he created me.
And I am so afraid of missing it. I am so afraid. I’m so afraid.
God, help me.