That
title is from the Hillsong song, “All I Need.” It was one of the first songs my
phone shuffled to this morning.
I
paused as the song began and winced, as I usually do, as they sang that line.
“Left
my fear by the side of the road.”
Left
it there, by the side of the road.
Like
road kill, like trash.
LEFT it.
Hillsong
songs often challenge me with their declarations, and this is one of those
songs that does that to me.
Fear.
Fear
rules so much of my life.
More
than I even know.
Sometimes
it is little things (like my very irrational, and borderline comical, fear of
bees); sometimes it is bigger (like my fear of releasing control to God).
My
fear is inconsistent. My fear is frustrating.
My
fear is, in many ways, me.
I
have talked about this before, via several different outlets, but basically,
something God is showing me is just how much of my personality is built on
fear.
I
have, for so long, thought my personality was me. Been confined by who I
believe myself to be. Done the whole, “This is how I am, and I can’t change it.
This is just who I am.”
Yeah,
no. No, it’s not. This is who I am because of fear. Not who I am because of Jesus.
That girl, that redeemed girl – she is so different from the person I usually
am that I am not even sure who she is.
Every
day, I live in fear.
And
I live out of fear.
Fear
of rejection.
Fear
of abandonment.
Fear
of not being good enough (even if in only my eyes).
Fear
of not being loved/being seen as unlovable.
Fear
of messing up, making mistakes, failing in any way.
Fear
of being seen as less than perfect.
Fear
of being seen as better, or worse, than I am.
Fear
of being seen as inauthentic and fake.
Fear
of being seen as prideful and vain.
Fear
of not being in control.
Among
others.
Fear
is one of the greatest enemies to the life I desire. To the life God has for
me. To the person I was created to be.
Pride
manifests itself in many ways within my heart, but one of the biggest ways, if
not the biggest is fear.
Because
fear, at the core, is pride. (Maybe
not fear of bees, but ;) )
Sorry
if that offends you. Hear me out.
Ultimately,
fear is rooted in a distrust (or even ignorance) of God’s character/heart. Fear
whispers, “God can’t be trusted, God won’t do it right, God will let you down, God
doesn’t care, and God isn’t there. You can’t trust him. You can only trust
yourself.”
Um,
I’m sorry, but when did I become the most reliable person to place my trust in?
Even
I am not on my side most of the time.
I
am tired of being ruled by fear.
I
read that I am no longer a slave to fear (Romans 8:15); yet I don’t begin to
live like it.
But
I want to.
I
want to be free of fear, to live passionately, to live valiantly. (Ah, that is a beautiful word: “valiant.” So Medieval-ish.)
The
key to freedom from fear, I believe, is found in the next line of the song: “Hear you speak, and won’t let go.”
Hearing
God speak.
Knowing
his voice.
Really
listening – and not letting go of him, of what he says, of who he is.
Perfect
love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). Dismantles it. Reveals it as the lie, as the
farce, that it is.
Perfect.
Love.
R
doesn’t cast out fear.
Striving
doesn’t cast out fear.
Positive
thinking doesn’t cast out fear.
Only
Love does.
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