Tuesday, August 6, 2013

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

In case it hasn’t been clear, I have been struggling. I’ve been struggling for a long time.

But the struggle is not against God. And it isn’t at all against Husband.

It is against two “people.”
Myself.
And Satan.

When I gave my life to God, it became a free-for-all on R. I stepped into a warzone at thirteen. And though there have been some reprieves of different lengths, the battle has not really stopped.

At times, I have hated this, wished to be anywhere else, anyone else. Wondered why everyone else’s lives seem to go so smoothly, while mine is, well, a war that does not let up, like, ever.

But ultimately, I was made for this. Made for war. Made to fight. And made to stand.

So yes, Satan has been hammering me.
With fear. With doubt. With insecurity. With turning the God-given longings to be loved, pursued, treasured toward my husband instead of God. With my own desires. With my woundedness. With the lies I’ve believed for years. With anything, anyone, that he can.

But God has been hammering me too.
On control. On pride. On control. On trust. On control. On fear. On his love. On control.

The Hillsong song “Forever Reign” has this line: “You are God, you are God – of all else I’m letting go.”

Of.
All.
Else.

Surrender is hard. It’s painful. Dying to self actually does feel a lot like dying (oddly enough).

But you know what? There are things in me that need to die. Things that are actually dead already. And will lead to only further death.  

This isn’t even what I wanted to talk about today. But I guess it kind of goes with it. Maybe?

For about the past four years, Husband has really been struggling. (That’s pretty much our entire relationship.) Throughout this time, I have sought advice from different sources. And it seems like everything I’ve found/heard/read says: “Do something, say something, voice your needs, make him go to the doctor, confront him, give him an ultimatum.”

Yet, repeatedly, God has said: “Trust me. Be still. Wait. Just wait. Don’t say anything. Don’t do anything. Don’t pressure. Don’t confront. Don’t give an ultimatum. R, just wait. Wait for me. I am coming. Help is on the way. I love him more than you can even imagine loving him. The cry of your heart for him is my heart’s cry. I’m going to do it, and you will see it. But you have to let go, chill out, and wait.”

I have often heeded the former advice. It has always been bad. And I have never had peace about it.

So, respectfully, I am done. I’m just done.

I will not seek or heed advice from anyone but God. I will ask him what I should do/say, and then obey.

If you feel like you have something to tell me about this situation, I will receive it. But know now that if it is contrary in any way to what God has already told me, with all due respect, I will not heed it.

I will wait.
I will be still.
I will trust.

And I will see the deliverance the Lord will bring. (Exodus 14:13-14)

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