Friday, August 2, 2013

Too frustrated to think of a title

Ever feel like Satan is just hammering you? Like every time you start getting over something, it rears its head again, and you are right back where you started?

I made it so I won’t see updates from all of the marriage-oriented facebook pages I’ve liked. I won’t keep it like that forever, but for right now, I just can’t do it.

Most of the things those pages post are nice and encouraging. But some of them just cut straight to my heart. And I can never know when I will scroll down in my newsfeed and see something that all but kills me.

I’m going to be blunt. And I’m not going to apologize. This is my blog. I will say what I want.

I am SICK of seeing stuff about how the way to a show your husband that you love him is to get naked, or wear something sexy, or initiate sex, or something along that line.

Over and over and over again, I read things (on these facebook pages, and elsewhere), and I am met with this prevailing notion (which is presented as across-the-board truth):

Men need sex. Men want sex. Men are always ready and willing for sex. Men think about sex all the time.

So if sex is not happening, it is all because of the wife. The wife needs to understand this driving need in her husband and be receptive, not cold and irritated by it. She needs to change how she views sex, needs to stop being so grudging. She needs to be more available, more willing. She needs to stop saying she just doesn’t feel like it, or that she has a headache. Oh – and if her husband doesn’t seem interested at first, all she has to do is get naked, and then he won’t be able to resist. Because, after all, men are visual; put on something sexy – or take it off – and all problems are solved!

I read things like this, and peoples’ comments are nearly always like, “Haha, this is soooo true!”; “Isn’t that the truth!?,” “Lol, this is great!,” “So funny!”

NO. It is not great. It is not funny. It is crushing.

I’m not stupid. I’m not na├»ve. I have read enough. I have seen enough. I have heard enough.
I get it. I get it. I get it.

I just wish that THEY – the people who create, or post, things like this – would get it. That they would actually understand that this is not the case for everyone, and that it is devastating. That few things have the ability to make a wife feel more rejected, more unattractive, more confused. That they would at least be mindful of those who are not in the same situation they are in. And even the few – VERY few – things I have found that acknowledge a different situation, they are just full of advice. Not compassion, not understanding, not a sensitivity. Just advice from the mind of someone who doesn’t really get it.

I’ve read the statistic of 80/20 – 80% of marriages display the “normal” idea of the husband wanting sex more than the wife, the wife not understanding why her husband needs/wants sex so much. 20% are the reverse where the wife wants sex, and the husband isn’t interested.

Can I be quite honest?

I don’t want to be in the 20%. I am tired of being part of that 20%. I am tired of feeling alone. I am tired of everything I see and read and hear being condemning without intending to be. I am tired of seeing people laugh about how much their husbands want sex. It is one of those things that no one thinks about – or, even if they do, it isn’t until after they’ve said it or posted it. Then they try to backpedal – “Oh, and of course, there are situations where it isn’t like this; of course, we can’t leave ‘those’ people out”; but they’ve already revealed their narrow-mindedness. Their lack of thought toward those who already feel so condemned and isolated because no one acknowledges that someone else’s situation might be very different from theirs.

I just want someone with a platform to speak from this perspective. Not to include it as an afterthought but to actually be living it. Or have lived it.

I’m tired of feeling condemned. Of feeling rejected. Of feeling like something is wrong with me. And being told and made to feel that the solution is for me to just try harder, be sexier, be less needy, and show up naked with chicken wings.

God, help me.

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