In dust and ashes

I don’t really know what to say.

Last night, my husband and I talked for almost four hours. It was painful, very painful at times, but good, ultimately. It gave me hope. And it pretty much confirmed everything God has told me over the last several years:

1. That I need to be freed and healed first, and then, from that place of freedom and healed-ness, I can see to better pray for and encourage my husband.

2. That the battle is God’s, not mine, and he will fight for me/us.

3. That he loves my husband more than I do, and he is not deterred by anything my husband is facing.

4. Be still, trust him, and love my husband.

5. That I need to surrender everything. My plans, my hopes, even down to who I think my husband is. Even down to who I think I am.

And so, I am done.

I repent, in dust and ashes. (Figuratively. I don’t have any dust around. Though I could make some ashes.)

I am done being this girl who acts and reacts out of past wounds. I am done believing lies when I know the truth. I am done looking to my own way of doing things. I am done trying to be in control.

I don’t want to be me. This me I have become, this me that my past has created – it is not me. I’ve seen glimpses of myself before, and I am done condemning myself for falling so far away. For believing things I shouldn’t have believed. I am done viewing my failures as failure, viewing mistakes as the end of everything. I want to LEARN from my mistakes, and I want to change. I want to be transformed by them. I want my mistakes to be used by God to refine me, to heal me, to make me more like him.

My husband doesn’t need broken, wounded R, speaking out of her own insecurities and fears. He needs God with skin on, speaking words of life and hope and encouragement. I have tried to be that, in my own strength.

I am done being fake, or feeling fake. I want to be real, and I want to do whatever it takes to become real.

I am done trying to fix myself, trying to be apart from God. Believing I can do it on my own. I cannot last even a few seconds in this battle without God. He is my shield, my stronghold.

I am done being Fallen Eve. I want to be Redeemed Eve – the woman I was created to be. Inviting, safe, captivating, and the image of God. I choose to believe that I am redeemed, that I am forgiven, that the things I have done and haven’t done that have been so devastating to my husband, I can learn from.

Whether it takes days, weeks, months, or years, this is where I will stand. God will either restore us, or I will die on this hill, fighting for my husband, and fighting to be who God wants me to be.

Please pray for me. For us.

God, change me. Change me, change me, change me. I don’t want to be me, I want to be like you.