I
was going to write about the shift that I feel in me, a shift toward resignation,
but it doesn’t even matter. Because it is a lie. And it isn’t even worth
talking about, giving voice to.
I
will say this: I think it’s getting close, the breakthrough. Now, what “close”
means, exactly, in terms of a timeline, I don’t know. But things are getting
worse. Things are crumbling. The storm around me is intensifying.
This
is what it feels like: Satan has stepped up his game. He sees how close the
breakthrough is – and it is no longer something in the distant future. It is
getting down to the wire. He knows he is about to lose, hugely, and he is
scared and furious. He knows that if I continue on the path I’m on, it will be
bad for him. I feel like something opened his eyes almost, and he panicked. I
can almost feel his panic, his desperation to take me out. He is straining for
any opening, any weakness, that he can find in me. It’s like he is hovering
right above me, all around me, waiting for the tiniest thing to pierce me so he
can slam me with the temptation to give up. Normally, he would take that
opportunity to quietly lie to me, to get me to start thinking too hard, to get
me spinning away into confusion. Now? He sees the opening, and he lets loose. It
is no longer a subtle nudge; it is slam-me-to-the-ground-as-fast-and-as-hard-as-he-can.
His
strategy is one thing: Get me on the ground and keep me there.
And
when I hit the ground, his voice screams one thing: GIVE. UP.
And
for a moment, I want to. For a
moment, defeat washes over me, drowns me, and I see no light. I see no hope; it
is eclipsed by every mountain that seems so insurmountable. I doubt everything
God has promised me. I doubt that he cares at all. I believe the lies.
And
then, I wake up. I beg God for help, and he helps. I surrender as best I can,
and ask him to do the rest. I struggle, then lay down my hopes and desires at
his feet and choose trust over fear and self-preservation. I choose his plan
over my own. And truth washes back over me, and I see clearly again. And I get
back up. And Satan rips his hair out. (If he has hair?)
And
then he waits, watches for another opportunity to hit me with the desire to
give up.
Don’t
misunderstand. This is not me. This
is not me trying to figure out what I want, whether I want to stay and stick it
out in my marriage or cut my losses and go off to find myself.
This
is not a civil war, between me and myself, or my heart and my mind, or between
my faith and desires that don’t match up with my faith.
This
is outside forces.
This
is outside forces, who know things I don’t know, who see a future I do not see and
who are panicking, trying to keep that future from coming to be.
This
is outside forces who know that if I don’t give up, if they can’t break me down, it
will be very bad for them. On the flip-side, if they can get me to give up, they win not only me but my husband and
whatever ground we would have taken for God.
This
is serious. This does not just affect me.
As
usual, I am so focused on my own stuff, and I don’t hear God saying, “This is
not just about you. My plan is so much bigger than just you and your marriage.”
And
even as I wrote all of that, everything about Satan and the outside forces, these
thoughts kept fluttering through my mind, “Aren’t you making more of a deal out
of this than it is? You are being silly; you are being way too dramatic with
this. This isn’t how it is; you think you’re smarter than you are. Thinking you
know what Satan is thinking or feeling just because of how you are feeling.
Silly girl. This is all you, all in your head because you have this weird need
to always have some type of battle going on in your life. Because you think you
are some sort of warrior or something. You’re reaching, and you don’t have a
clue.”
Essentially,
“I’m not here.”
No.
He
is here.
I
am not making any of this up.
I
am not being too dramatic.
I
am probably not being dramatic enough.
I
don’t know what happened. I don’t know what caused Satan and his minions to
intensify their attacks. I don’t know what they know, what they see.
But
something is coming.
And
I think it’s God.
I
am made for war.
I
was born to fight darkness, to rescue people, to stand up to evil and vanquish
it.
And
I married a warrior.
A
protector. A discerning man. A dangerous man who probably has no idea how
powerful he truly is.
But
he will.
He
may not know it, may not believe it, but he, too, was made for war. He was made
to fight darkness, to rescue people, to stand up to evil and vanquish it.
I
won’t lie. This is hard, and it has been hard for a long time. It is hard to
hope when things seem to just keep getting darker. It is scary to trust God
when I can’t see what he is doing. It is painful to hold on when everything is
pulling at me to let go. It is difficult to be strong when I am so weak.
But
I think that is the key – that I do not have the strength in myself to stand.
To fight. I have tried to stand against Satan on my own before. It doesn’t
work.
But
if I stand in God’s strength, then I can stand. And withstand.
I
had a dream once; I don’t recall when.
All
I remember is that there were mountains – mountains that I could not get over.
Then
the sun came up behind them, and as it rose, white light engulfed every single
mountain.
Until
there was only white light left.
Joy
comes in the morning.
And
morning is coming.
It’s
coming.
I
will not give up.
I
will not give up until I see the sun.
soldiers need friends to pray for them. to have their back. i have yours. what you said is true. the warfare is real and the stakes are high. and we win. you win. the sun will come up and you will have won.
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