Saturday, July 27, 2013

Chasing the Wild Goose

Chasing the Wild Goose

Well, it is raining. And I am a wimp, so I won’t be going out to run/walk!

The other day, I finished reading “Wild Goose Chase,” by Mark Batterson. Really, really good book; I strongly recommend it. But I don’t have it anymore, so I can’t post anything from it, which is kind of a bummer. I highlighted a lot of stuff.

I really should pray right now. But if I can be honest, I don’t want to. And I don’t know why I feel that way.

I have gotten away from praying, like, at all. And I don’t even know the last time I actually read the Bible. I more or less know why I avoid reading the Bible. I don’t know why I don’t want to pray.  

I guess, to a point, I get tired of asking for the same things over and over. (Or feeling like that is what I do.) I also grow weary of feeling like every prayer has to be this big heartfelt thing where I pour myself out and cry. Sometimes I just don’t feel like doing that. Sometimes I don’t feel anything at all. Sometimes I don’t want to feel anything. Yet at the same time, I ache to be passionate, to live fully aliveto follow him anywhere he calls, whenever he calls. Double-minded much? Sheesh.

One of the things in the book that stood out the most was a part that said something like this: “God is more interested in your future than you are. He wants you to fulfill your purpose more than you do. He wants you to become who he wants you to be more than you do.” (That is not a quote, and that bothers me.)

For me, someone who has always been the “good girl,” someone who longs to please God and has agonized over the fear of taking one step outside of his will, someone who desperately wants to fulfill her purpose and is terrified of missing it, that was just freeing.

So much of me, so much of my personality, is based on fear. The fear of not being good enough and/or perfect, the fear of being vulnerable, the fear of being left alone, the fear of getting/being in trouble, the fear of making mistakes. You know how people say that you expect more from others than you do from yourself? Yeah, in many ways, I am the opposite of that. I freely give grace to everyone else; I cruelly condemn myself.

But think about it: God has a certain plan in mind for me – a person I was meant to be, things I was meant to do. And as much as I think I am committed to that, I am so not. But HE is committed to it, and he is able to mold me. Even when I am being distant, stubborn, and giving in to fear and whatever else he is working on me. He is more committed to my good than I am, and that is a relief.

Because that means that it isn’t really up to me. My part in this is not to fix or change myself.
I just need to surrender myself.
And chase him wherever he leads me.

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